Naming the pain, paying attention to the blessing

(25.06.24)

In my practice of spiritual direction,

I recognise two primary areas of facilitation. The first is to create a space that allows people to articulate the reality of their lived experience of suffering, loss, disappointment, betrayal, anxiety, and fear. No attempt is made to ‘cheer people up’, no cliché’s such as ‘everything happens for a reason’, just reflective listening, validation, accompanying a person in their suffering. The second area is to assist people to pay attention to the narrative of grace that runs parallel to their narrative of pain. The one does not cancel or extinguish the other. To be human is to experience pain and blessing as companions in our journey.

Just this week, Claire put me in touch with the work of Fred Luskin, referred to her by a friend. We listened to one of his talks and I later tapped into an interview of his. His insights on the relationship between suffering and blessing are valuable and I offer a summary for your consideration:

Everybody suffers loss in various forms (betrayal, injustice, theft, rejection, assault, neglect) and is therefore required to engage the process of grieving to enable life and hope to continue
The work of grief involves us naming the pain we have experienced and allowing ourselves to feel the emotions of that – this takes time and can be difficult (we may need some help)
The ultimate resolution to our grief work is to forgive the harm done and to reconcile ourselves to the life that we actually have and the past that has happened – this can only take place after we have named and felt the emotion of the loss
A working definition of forgiveness is: “To abandon any hope of a different past” (In other words to accept our past and to let it go … making peace with our life as it has been and is)
A working definition of happiness is: “To want what we actually have”
However, to know what we actually have we need to pay attention to the kindnesses and blessings of our everyday life
When we are stuck in pain/bitterness/regret/revenge etc … our focus on our victim status operates like an eclipse of the sun … we can’t see the blessing and kindnesses that are also part of our story, and we think the sun has gone away or perhaps no longer exists … it is there waiting for us to notice it again (we may need help)
It makes profound emotional sense to do the work of grief through to the point of forgiveness so that we can find new hope and meaning in today and tomorrow rather than decide that because our yesterday was crap, we will carry on and pay forward its misery into the present and future

I wonder which of these ideas touch on your story today? May God bless your considerations and your journey.

A message from the Author

Take a few moments to consider where you are in your conversation between suffering, loss and blessing and kindness. Do you recognise an area of pain that is inviting you to give a little more space and time to? What would it look like to work with this pain creatively, how could you give it voice? What would it look like for you to allow yourself to feel and express the nature of the suffering caused by whatever has happened to you? Would it help to discuss this with a counsellor, spiritual director, or other trusted person in your life who you believe has the skills to assist you to name and to feel what has happened? To move further into the spirit of this message, take some further time to consider the ways that blessings and kindnesses are flowing towards you at this time. Have you recently received a word of encouragement? Has somebody performed an act of service? Have you enjoyed a good meal or time of friendship? As you pause and reflect, reviewing your recent experience, how else is kindness revealing itself to you?

Dr Phil Daughtry